How Failure Fuels Transformation
Among life’s greatest teachers is failing at something that matters to you.
Michael Jordan ON FAILING
In Michael Jordan: A Profile in Failure, Jeff Stibel recounts 15-year-old Michael Jordan’s devastation when the Varsity Team Roster was posted, and his name was not on the list. “In his mind, it was the ultimate failure. ‘I went to my room and closed the door and I cried. For a while I couldn’t stop. Even though there was no one else home at the time, I kept the door shut. It was important to me that no one hear me or see me.’ Jordan was heartbroken and ready to give up the sport altogether until his mother convinced him otherwise.”
What steps can we see in this description of heartbreak and failure?
1. Sit with it.
Sometimes, for a while, that is all there is to do. To be where we are. Not forever. Not make a permanent dwelling of the pain. “The only way out is through,” a therapist mentor used to remind me. When we stuff the feelings, they get stuck and embedded when they were meant to be experienced and released.
2. Call on Grit.
According to Stibel, “Jordan picked himself up off the floor. Jordan did what champions do. He let his failure and disappointment drive him to be better. He played on the junior varsity team and he worked himself to the limit.
‘Whenever I was working out and got tired and figured I ought to stop, I’d close my eyes and see that list in the locker room without my name on it, and that usually got me going again.’ It became a pattern throughout Jordan’s life that a disappointment or setback resulted in a redoubling of effort.”
“Keep your eye on the prize,” a dear friend used to say. “Never, never give up,” said Winston Churchill.
3. Think back.
For Michael Jordan, he would remember that disappointment and it fired him up. For others, it is important to remember a time when we faced devastation in the past and we overcame it. When we engage our memory along these neural pathways in our brains, the overcoming factor ignites and that strength fires not only in our brains, but our psyches.
4. Begin anew with a system that works
According to James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, “Rather than rising to the level of our goals, most of us fall to the level of our systems.”
I walked with a client (let’s call him Joe) this past year who experienced multiple losses in the marketplace and in the form of divorce. Knocked windless from the loss, Joe needed a period to catch his breath, and begin anew with a success system-- a vision, plan and doable steps-- to consistently move forward.
Joe had disengaged emotionally from his children, and had no kid-focused “system” in place while traversing the marital road rutted with potholes. He needed a workable system for the sake of himself and the kids he loved.
Fast-forward a few months. Joe now has spent more nights in a pup tent with his son at Scout weekends than he ever dreamed of! Noting his daughter’s love of artwork, he took an art class with her. Noting both children’s love of swimming, they established a weekly date at the local YMCA pool. His son loves Sherlock Holmes and Dad took a new avid interest in this line of books. His daughter has Dad in the audience at each dance recital, usually toting a bouquet of flowers for his little sweetheart.
Can you see and hear the life flowing back into this man’s heart? Joe’s “kids first” system could not restore his marriage, but it did restore his devoted connection with his kiddos.
5. Welcome your cheerleader.
Michael Jordan’s mother wouldn’t let him stay in that devastated state forever. Who believes in you?
Who’s on your team? Who’s got your back? Who will remember your goodness and your worth when you suffer from temporary amnesia?
I had a real setback myself in recent years and I can always call my friend Beverly for cheerleading. I can even give her the words that I want to hear like “Tell me I’m a good coach.” She will respond with words like “Joyce, you’re a fabulous coach!” Everyone needs a Beverly on their side. Who is your Beverly?
6. Celebrate small wins.
When we first began our work, this same client (Joe) had a mindset that only home runs counted. If he didn’t hit a home run, it simply wasn’t worth considering.
This mindset denied him any sense of accomplishment most days because he had not seen a home run in a long time. We changed the rules and proposed a new accounting system, one of smaller, more consistent wins.
He would keep track of one “base hit” he accomplished every day and send me a weekly base hit report. Contacting recruiters, networking activities, finding a new apartment that would accommodate the kids as well as him, cooking, swimming and pup tents all counted. He agreed to the habit and soon reported that he now saw that the base hits added up to runs scored!
7. Stay the Course.
Keep moving consistently in the direction of your goals and dreams, but focus on the system to get there rather than the goal. Don’t underestimate the value of the little things you do repeatedly. These little things allow you to bridge the gap between who you are and who you want to be, between your ideas and the realization of those ideas. The cumulative effect of our ongoing actions is the change we’re seeking.
Keep up the good work. Be encouraged that this effort indeed is paying off. Though invisible now, it is just around the bend.
the bottom line
7 Steps to Flip Failure into Transformation
We all face failure at different times in our lives. For any failure you’ve faced in the past, perhaps you could re-trace your steps back to victory.
When failure arrives, follow these seven steps to flip failure into transformation:
1. Sit with it.
2. Call on Grit.
3. Think back.
4. Begin anew with a system that works.
5. Welcome your cheerleader.
6. Celebrate small wins.
7. Stay the course.
For further reflection:
How does your experience compare with the 7 steps we have identified?
What have you learned in the process of today’s reflection and writing?
How can this be useful to you in the future either for yourself or in the encouragement and mentoring of others?